That Thing You Say
by Kara Wild
Summary: In the follow-up to "The Tie That Chokes": Daria's relationship with her mom takes a turn for the worst, forcing her to ponder whether or not to say those 3 little words. Written May 1999


"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is **not** an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the follow-up to "The Tie That Chokes," taking place a little more than a week later. It's also the third fic in my chronology, behind "Rose-Colored Lenses" and "The Tie That Chokes."

I'd give this fic a 1.5S rating. RCL was a one-sitting, TTTC a two-sitting... this is right smack in between length-wise, but because of its more serious subject matter, some may feel the need to do it in two....

You'll notice a few modifications in the way my scenes are laid out. Because some people complained, and because it gets to be a major pain-in-the-ass to write "cut to close-up" over and over again, I've removed many of the camera angles. So for this fic, you'll just have to imagine for yourselves whether there are close-ups, pans, etc! I've also taken the liberty of shortening "Beat" to "Bt" -- hopefully **all** of these changes will make for easier reading. Be sure to tell me what you think.....

If you're the sentimental type, grab a hanky, or something. Naw, actually, it's not **that** bad -- I went out of my way to try to avoid schmaltz in this fic............. Anyway, enjoy!

[intro theme music...................]

# THAT THING YOU SAY

_by_

## Kara Wild

* * *

**ACT ONE**

SCENE 1 (_Morgendorffer house, evening -- presumably after dinner_)

(Shot of the living room. Daria, Quinn, and Jake sit in the foreground, while Helen paces around in the background. Jake's sitting on the left hand couch, reading the newspaper. Daria and Quinn sit on the center couch. Daria's scribbling on a notepad, every so often tearing out pages, crumpling them up, and flinging them aside. To her left, Quinn pores through an issue of Glasses World. cut to close-up Helen. She's holding the cell phone in her hand and glaring at it menacingly.)

**HELEN:** **Dammit** you **bastard**, why won't you call?!! (_shakes the phone_)

(resume wide shot. Daria and Jake glance up from what they're doing, both wearing "Uh-oh, she's at it again" expressions. Quinn continues to look through Glasses World, oblivious. cut to close-up Helen)

**HELEN:** (_continuing_) I mean how **long** does it **take** to draft a counter-offer?!! **Dammit**, is he just gonna keep me by the **phone** --?!

(_resume wide shot. Daria leans down, scribbles on her notepad._)

**DARIA:** (_to herself_) "Her shrieking pierced the air, like that of a demon from the depths of hell. She stalked the unsuspecting prey, waiting for that opportune moment when she could bite his head off." (_Pause. looks up. reflects_) Or maybe "when she could tear his throat out"? Yeah, that has more zing to it. (_writes it down_)

(_Quinn glances over at what Daria's doing, cringes._)

**QUINN:** Ewww, Daria! What're you **writing**???

**DARIA:** Just some poetry for O'Neill's class. We're doing a segment on poems that capture the essence of life.

**QUINN:** Well your stuff sounds **gross**!

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) As does life.

(We suddenly see Helen coming up behind Daria. She's overheard this last bit.)

**HELEN:** (_sarcastic_) Oh **my**, what an **unusual** response from you, Daria.

**DARIA:** (_"O-kaay". humoring her. deadpan_) Ha-ha, Mom.

(_Helen shakes the phone again._)

**HELEN:** Dammit, dammit, **dammit**! Does he have **any** idea how much time I put **into** this?!! After I flubbed the deposition last week -- (interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing. clicks it on, puts it against her ear. none of her crooning **this** time -- curt) Yes, **hello**??

(She walks off screen, her voice fading into the background. Quinn holds out her magazine to Jake.)

**QUINN:** Daddy, can we subscribe to Glasses World?

**JAKE:** What for, sweetie?

(_Quinn tosses her hands in the air, looks exasperated._)

**QUINN:** (_"duh" tone_) So I can keep up with what's going on in the vision-impaired **community**!

**DARIA:** Why waste the money? You and I could just have a conversation for a change.

**QUINN:** (_like she'd even consider it_) You're **too** funny, Daria.

(_cut to close-up Helen_)

**HELEN:** (_snapping into the receiver_) No I will **not** buy your **goddamn** long distance phone cards! And don't you **ever** call here again!! (_hangs up the phone, mutters to herself_)

(resume wide shot. Daria, Quinn, and Jake glance at each other briefly, cringe.)

**QUINN:** (_continuing_) Besides, Glasses World stays in touch with the latest breakthroughs in contact lens technology.

**DARIA:** Ah-ha, the truth comes out.

(_Pause_)

**JAKE:** (_hesitant_) Well, sweetie, I don't know...

(_cut to close-up Helen_)

**HELEN:** (_to herself, but loud enough for everyone to hear_) **Dammit**, people should **call** when they say they're **going** to. (_Bt_) Is it **really** so hard to pick up the **damn** phone and make a simple call?! **Is** it??!! (she says this last bit with such vehemence, it's obvious she's not just upset at the other lawyer)

(_resume wide shot. Jake is now really hesitant._)

**JAKE:** Um, I'm usually pretty **bad** with these decisions, hon. Maybe you'd better ask your mother after she's... (_lowers his hand in a "calmed down" motion_)

(Quinn glances toward Helen, looks at Jake with a "God, are you nuts???" expression. Pause. Finally she shrugs a "what the hell," and turns to Helen.)

**QUINN:** Mo-om???

(_Helen storms over and stands behind Quinn, hands on her hips, glaring._)

**HELEN:** (_cutting her off_) **No**, Quinn, you **cannot** order a subscription to Glasses World! Not when you don't even **wear** your glasses half the time!

**QUINN:** (_pleading. whiny_) But **Mo-om**, those things pinch my ears and leave icky dents on the sides of my nose!

(_Helen throws her hands up in the air._)

**HELEN:** (_not buying it. dripping with irritation_) **Honestly**, Quinn, **sometimes** I wonder just how much I have to **pay** you to wear your glasses! [*] she's been paying Quinn five bucks a day since "Rose-Colored Lenses"

(Daria suddenly gets a mysterious smirk on her face, glances at Quinn. Quinn eyes her with some irritation.)

**QUINN:** (_to Helen. hesitant_) Oh, not much. (_Bt_) Just, um, **ten** dollars a day.

(_cut to shot of Helen from Quinn's POV. She barrels down over her._)

**HELEN:** (_bristling_) **What**?!! Oh it's **ten** dollars **now**, is it??!! Well **forget** it -- I won't pay another **damn** cent!

(She stalks away from the couch. Daria looks at Quinn, wiggles her eyelids mysteriously. Quinn purses her lips and glares at her, then tries again.)

**QUINN:** (_super-whiny_) But **Mo-ooom** --!

(**Big** mistake. Helen now comes over to Quinn, wears a menacing expression.)

**HELEN:** Quinn, it's **Mom**, not Mo-om -- **Mom**! **One** syllable!!! Now I want to hear you say it **right**, so say it with me now. Go on -- **say** it!!!

(_Pause_)

**HELEN & QUINN:** Moooom... Moooom... (_Helen stops. Quinn says one last time, meekly_) M-mom.

(Helen stalks away, having let off a little steam. Daria and Quinn watch her go, while Jake hides behind his newspaper. Pause.)

**DARIA:** (_to Quinn. hushed_) Boy, our psycho-mother eagle's really on the warpath, tonight. [*] see Act II, Scene 3 "The Tie That Chokes"

**QUINN:** (_not getting the reference, but: _) She's psycho-**something**. God, what is **with** her, lately???

**DARIA:** I don't know for sure, but I'd say it has something to do with Aunt Amy. (_Bt_) Mom's been like this since she left.

(As she says this, Jake lowers his newspaper a little, looks at the Glasses World issue, which lies next to Quinn.)

**QUINN:** (_to Daria. hushed_) They're not still **mad** at each other, are they???

**DARIA:** Well, judging from all the percentage signs and exclamation points I got when I mentioned Mom to Amy in an e-mail, I'd say it's a distinct possibility.

(Meanwhile, Jake has flipped to the back page of Glasses World and is looking at a list of different issues, wearing a curious expression. The phone rings off screen. cut to close-up Helen)

**HELEN:** **Finally** we can get down to business! (_clicks on the phone. into the receiver, curt_) **Hello**??

(resume wide shot. Jake has picked up the Glasses World issue and now looks though it with obvious delight. Helen stalks back toward the couches, silent for a few seconds, then: )

**HELEN:** **Wrong** number, jerk! Do I **sound** like a psychic friend to you??!

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) On that one I'd go with a definite **no**.

(Helen shakes her head and groans. Jake is oblivious -- he's really into the magazine.)

**JAKE:** (_to himself, but **just** loud enough for everyone to hear_) Ooh la la! It's got an **Erotic** Eyewear issue!

(Pause. Suddenly Jake feels an unkind presence hovering nearby. He looks up. cut to his POV -- Helen stands over him, glaring. cut to close-up Daria)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) "And so, she tears out his throat, pecks out his eyes, and leaves him to die a slow, painful death."

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 2 (_Morgendorffer house, later that evening_)

(Shot of the stairs. Daria starts to walk down them, glances outward, stops. cut to wider shot. Helen's sitting on the center couch of the living room in the foreground, going through papers. She wears a cross expression. resume close-up stairs. Daria starts to tiptoe down them **very** softly. resume wider shot. Daria reaches the bottom of the stairs, starts tiptoeing toward the kitchen.)

**HELEN:** (_irritated_) You don't have to **sneak** around, Daria. I know you're there.

**DARIA:** Oh. (_Pause. straightens up and walks toward the center couch, stands behind Helen_) So, is everything all taken care of? (doesn't want to refer to the phone call directly for fear of being lashed out at)

**HELEN:** (_unusually quiet and weary_) Yes, yes, everything's fine. (_holds up a paper and studies it_)

**DARIA:** Oh... that's good. (_turns and starts to head toward kitchen_) Guess I'll -- (_stops, looks at the paper Helen's holding. tries to act nonchalant_) Oh. I see you found one of my poems.

**HELEN:** (_quiet. sarcastic_) Yes, well, it wasn't **hard**, considering they were all **over** the place.

**DARIA:** (_trying to make light of it_) Whoops -- guess my housekeeping skills leave something to be desired.

(Pause. Daria looks a tad uncomfortable at mom's strange demeanor. She's used to her freaking out like she was earlier, but not **this**.)

**HELEN:** (_quiet_) Daria, is this what you think of me?

**DARIA:** What d' you mean?

**HELEN:** (_reads from the sheet_) "She stalked the unsuspecting prey, waiting for that opportune moment when she could **tear** his **throat** out"???

**DARIA:** (_again, trying to lighten the situation_) Oh **that**. (_Bt_) Mom, don't take it personally: I was just as rough on Dad and Quinn.

(_Helen flings the sheet down._)

**HELEN:** You're **quite** the joker, aren't you?? (_Bt_) Well I **do** take it personally. How do you think it makes me **feel** to be described like that?!

**DARIA:** (_now really uncomfortable_) Um... not too good?

**HELEN:** Yes, exactly -- **not** too good. Not good at all. (_bursts out: _) You know, sometimes I wonder if you even **love** me!

(Pause. Daria's super-uncomfortable, thinking, "Okay Mom, you've gone **way** over the line, here.")

**DARIA:** (_hesitant. reasonable_) Mom, you **know** what the answer to that is.

**HELEN:** Oh really, **do** I? Well then **why** don't I feel confident enough to trust my instincts?? (_Bt_) You're a **real** mystery to me sometimes, Daria, you really are. I don't know **what** you believe.

(_Pause. Now Daria looks guilty, as well as uncomfortable._)

**DARIA:** Look Mom, just tr-- (realizes that won't get her anywhere. slumps forward a bit. Pause. can't come up with a magic one-liner **this** time) Look... um, why don't I just leave you alone, and we can discuss this after you've had the chance to unwind a little. Okay?

(Silence. Helen's already turned away from Daria and is looking through her legal papers. She wears a cross, hurt expression. cut to close-up Daria)

**DARIA:** (_to herself, feeling like she has to break the silence_) Okay, then.

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 3 (_Quinn's room_)

(Shot of Quinn's door as seen from the inside. sound of knocking. cut to shot of Quinn posing in front of her full-length mirror.)

**QUINN:** (_sing-songy_) Come **in**.

(_cut to shot of the door. Daria opens it, pokes her head through._)

**DARIA:** Quinn, can we talk?

(cut to shot of Quinn. She turns around, a look of alarm on her face. Immediately assumes a melodramatic pose.)

**QUINN:** Why?! So you can **gouge** me for more money, **bleed** me dry an' leave me like a withered old icky **prune** so you can buy another one of your **stupid** books and some pizza with your **dumb** friend??! I can't **take** this anymore, Daria! It's bad enough I'm paying you to keep your mouth shut about the glasses thing, but what **more** do you want from me, Daria, what **more**??!! (_slumps forward dramatically_)

(Meanwhile, Daria's walked into the room and is standing next to Quinn. She rolls her eyes.)

**DARIA:** Hey **coz** -- save the Oscar-winning performance for someone who **gives** a damn, all right? (_Bt_) Besides, the reason I'm here's not **about** me. It's about **Mom**.

(Quinn lifts her head. Her expression quickly changes from alarm to interest.)

**QUINN:** Mom? What f-- ? (_stops. smirks delightedly_) You got in **trouble** with her, didn't you?? (_Bt. sing-songy_) What'd you **do**, Daria??

(_Pause. Daria looks down briefly, uncomfortable._)

**DARIA:** I'm not **sure**, exactly. (_Bt_) But what I **do** know is that there's only one way **out** of it. (_Bt_) I gotta... (_looks down again, embarrassed_) say **something** to her...

(_Quinn leans closer._)

**QUINN:** Like **what**?

**DARIA:** Something. (_Pause. sighs_) You know that **thing** you say to someone when you want to show you care... a lot?

(Bt. Quinn has a thoughtful look on her face -- she's never really been **in** that position before.)

**QUINN:** **What** thing? (_Pause. then realizes, wrinkles her nose_) Oh **that**???

**DARIA:** (_nodding_) Yeah.

(_Quinn rolls her eyes, flings a hand at Daria. laughs_)

**QUINN:** Oh ho-ho, I feel sorry for **you**, Daria. (_Bt_) But good luck, though -- you're gonna **need** it. (_turns back toward the mirror_)

**DARIA:** Actually, **we're** gonna need it.

**QUINN:** **What**?! (_spins around and looks at her with alarm_)

**DARIA:** I'm not doing this alone.

**QUINN:** (_"don't drag **me** into this"_) But hey, wait! Mom's mad at **you**!

** DARIA:** (_cocking an eyelid_) So? I'm not the only culprit here. (_Bt_) You haven't exactly been in Mom's good graces, **either**.

(_Pause. Quinn reflects, then wilts, realizing this is true._)

**DARIA:** (_blackmail approach_) Or would you rather I tell her you still call me **cousin** at school?

(_Quinn gives in, rolls her eyes._)

**QUINN:** (_exasperated_) Okay, okay. So what d' we do, then?

(_Daria pauses briefly to think._)

**DARIA:** Well, considering what I know about you, I'd say you've got as little experience with saying **it** as I do. So I suggest we practice. (_Bt_) And for that, we're gonna need a bigger mirror.

(With that, Daria turns and walks out of Quinn's room. Quinn remains behind for a few moments, turns toward her mirror.)

**QUINN:** (_to herself_) I **never** thought I'd hear her say that. (_to her reflection_) Did **you**???

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 4 (_bathroom_)

(Shot of the sinks and the mirror. Daria's already standing in front of the mirror, on the left. Quinn comes in and stands on the right.)

**DARIA:** Okay, I've been going over some wordplay exercises in my head, and I think I've figured out the best way we can do this.

**QUINN:** Great. So what is it?

**DARIA:** Hmm, where to start? (_Pause_) Okay, here goes. (voice goes into extreme deadpan, the way it did when she explained one-point perspective to Brittany in "The Invitation.") Now we've all got stuff we **love**, right?

**QUINN:** (_nodding_) Uh-huh.

**DARIA:** Good. (_Bt_) Now think of something you **really** love, like... **shopping**. And say to yourself over and over, "I love shopping."

(_Quinn looks at her a bit scornfully._)

**QUINN:** Sure, that's **easy**. (_Bt_) I love shopping.

**DARIA:** Put on an expression that makes you look like you **mean** it.

**QUINN:** (_still scornful_) 'Course I **mean** it. (_spreads her arms out. cheery_) I **love** shopping!

(_Pause. Daria observes her, then nods, satisfied with what she sees._)

**DARIA:** All right, I see you've firmly mastered the basics. Now let's move on to the **advanced** level. (_Bt_) Say "I love shopping" again. Only **this** time, replace the word "shopping" with "you."

(Quinn eyes Daria with an expression that shows she still thinks she's off-her-rocker.)

**QUINN:** Fine, **whatever**. (_Pause_) I **love** y-- (_can't get the word out. repositions her mouth, tries again._) y-- (_Pause_) I love y-- y--... (_stops. sighs. wears an "I can't believe this" expression._)

(_Daria's watching her, smirking with some sympathy and lack of surprise._)

**DARIA:** (_gently amused_) Not so easy, is it?

(_Quinn glares at her._)

**QUINN:** Okay Miss **Perfect**, why don't **you** try, now??

(_Daria suddenly looks a bit nervous._)

**DARIA:** Um right. sure. okay. (_opens her mouth as if to speak. long pause. nothing comes out_)

**QUINN:** Well spit it **out**, already!

(Pause. Daria looks at herself in the mirror. She wears a slightly stunned expression. finally, slowly: )

**DARIA:** I don't... think I... can.

**QUINN:** What're you **talking** about?!

(_Pause. Daria looks at herself searchingly in the mirror._)

**DARIA:** (_quiet_) I mean, I don't think I can say... **it**.

(_Quinn rolls her eyes, tosses her hands in the air._)

**QUINN:** That's **crazy** -- you just **said** it to me a few minutes ago!

**DARIA:** Yeah, but that was in a theoretical context. Any attachment to the emotional.... (_looks at herself hard in the mirror._)

(_Pause_)

**QUINN:** (_still some exasperation. not believing her_) Oh come **on**, even **you** must love **something**.

(Pause. Daria wilts a little. Quinn gazes at her, expression changing to sympathy and some pity.)

**QUINN:** You really **can't** say it, can you?

(_Pause. Daria sighs._)

**DARIA:** (_more to herself than to Quinn_) Nope. But I guess for Mom's sake, I'll have to try.

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 5 (_Morgendorffer house, next morning_)

(Shot of outside. cut to shot of inside Helen and Jake's room. Helen's dashing around, getting ready for work. cut to shot of the door to the room, as seen from the hallway. Daria and Quinn stand beside it.)

**DARIA:** (_to Quinn_) You go first.

**QUINN:** No way! It was **your** idea!

**DARIA:** (_smirking_) Yeah, but who's better at buttering up Mom with her **perky** smile?

(_Quinn pauses to weigh Daria's compliment of her cuteness._)

**DARIA:** (_for insurance_) **Coz**.

(_Quinn glares at her._)

**QUINN:** Okay, **fine**! (_hesitates, then knocks on the door_) Mom?

**HELEN:** (_from inside_) Yes?

**QUINN:** Um, could I talk to you for a minute? (_opens the door as she says this._)

(cut to shot of Helen in the foreground, getting ready, and Quinn in the background.)

**HELEN:** (_somewhat rushed_) What is it, Quinn? I'm late.

(Quinn comes over to her, hesitates. Shifts her weight from side to side, bobs her head around. Helen eyes her impatiently.)

**QUINN:** Um, I just wanted to say that I think you're a really **great** and cool mom an' all that, and I --

(_Helen rolls her eyes in an amused manner. thinks Quinn wants something._)

**HELEN:** Quinn, we **talked** about this last night, and I've **already** said --

(_Quinn makes "Ix-nay" gestures._)

**QUINN:** Oh no-no-no, no! This isn't **about** the **magazine** subscription! This is **totally** different. (_pause. glances briefly toward the door with some resentment_) Um... I just wanted to say that I... I love (has to twist her mouth **really** hard to get out a barely audible) you.

(_Helen's face takes on a stunned expression._)

**QUINN:** (_once she's started, she can't stop_) ... love you... I... I-I love you... Mom. (_looks uncomfortable, yet satisfied._)

(_Helen's expression changes from stunned to genuinely moved._)

**HELEN:** Oh, Quinn, what a **wonderful** thing to hear you say. Thank you, sweetie!

**QUINN:** Uh, you're welcome. (_thought voice-over. peevish_) **Please** don't make me say it again.

(Helen leans forward and hugs Quinn. Quinn -- who, as we know, doesn't like to be touched -- cringes a little. Helen draws back and musses Quinn's hair.)

**HELEN:** And Mom loves **you**, too.

**QUINN:** (_peeved_) Mom! My hair!

**HELEN:** (_chuckles_) Oops! Sorry, sorry...

(_Quinn sighs._)

**QUINN:** (_chastened. resigned_) It's **okay**. (_Bt_) But I'd better redo it before I leave. So I... guess I'll see you later. (_heads toward the door_)

**HELEN:** Bye. (_does a little wave_)

(_Quinn's at the door, opening it wider._)

**QUINN:** Yeah, bye. (Pause. shrugs her shoulders in a "that wasn't so bad" manner, and leaves)

(Pause. Daria glances through the open doorway. Helen has turned aside, is wearing a misty-eyed parent expression.)

**DARIA:** Mom?

(_Helen looks toward the door._)

**HELEN:** (_neutral tone -- none of the anger she expressed last night lingering_) Yes, Daria?

(Daria opens the door wider and walks into the room. stands where Quinn stood. shuffles around like she did.)

**DARIA:** (_uncomfortable_) Um... I've been thinking about what you said last night...

(_Helen's face brightens a bit._)

**HELEN:** (_gentle coaxing_) Yes?

**DARIA:** (_continuing_) And I just, um, wanted to show you... (Pause. closes her eyes briefly, inhales and exhales in an act of Zen meditation. Then she quickly signs an "I love you.")

(_Pause. Helen looks at her with a slightly confused expression. then frowns._)

**DARIA:** You got what that meant, right?

(_Helen nods slowly, her expression now unreadable._)

**HELEN:** (_subdued_) Yes, I did. (_Bt_) Thanks.

(She turns around to resume the getting-ready stuff she was doing before. Daria watches her, confused and frowning.)

**DARIA:** Mom?

**HELEN:** (_distant. subdued_) Uh-huh?

**DARIA:** What's wrong? (_Bt_) I sort of thought you'd act differently -- like the way you did when Quinn talked to you.

(_long Pause_)

**HELEN:** Yes, well Quinn actually **told** me she loved me.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_a tad annoyed_) I did, too.

(_Helen turns around and faces her._)

**HELEN:** (_exasperated_) Oh **really**? With **that**?! (_gestures at Daria's arms_)

**DARIA:** (_a bit defensive_) Hey, American Sign Language is a perfectly **legitimate** form of communication.

**HELEN:** For the deaf! (_Bt_) Are you deaf, Daria?!

(_Daria turns away, looks uncomfortable._)

**DARIA:** Um, no... but I mean... (_stops. suddenly has a realization. speaks in her normal assertive tone._) Now **hold** on. You said you didn't think I cared about you or anything, and I just proved I did. Isn't that **enough**?

(_Helen throws her hands up in the air, glaring._)

**HELEN:** (_irritated_) I guess it's enough for **you**.

**DARIA:** (_defensive. frowning_) What do you **mean**, exactly??

**HELEN:** I **mean**, if **that** (_exasperated gesture at Daria's arms_) is all I can **expect** from you, then I guess I'll just have to **accept** it.

**DARIA:** (_completely ticked-off_) Now **wait** a minute --!

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 6 (_the kitchen_)

(Shot of Quinn walking down the stairs, her hair back in perfect condition. cut to shot of Jake standing in the kitchen, gulping down coffee, looking about ready to leave. Quinn comes up to the counter, wearing a mischievous expression -- if Mom fawned all over her for saying "I love you," what would **Dad** do??? leans toward Jake.)

**QUINN:** Daddy?

(_Jake gulps, briefly lowers mug from his lips._)

**JAKE:** Yeah, honey? (_takes another swig_)

**QUINN:** (_pauses briefly, gears up_) Um, I just wanted to say how much I (_screws mouth to get out the words_) **love**, um, you.

(_Jake almost spits out the coffee. He swallows hard._)

**JAKE:** You **what**?!

(_Quinn rolls her eyes._)

**QUINN:** (_peevish_) I said I love you, Daddy.

(_Jake's eyes bulge. He lays down the mug, clasps his hands together._)

**JAKE:** Aw **gee**, Quinn, do you really **mean** it?! You really **love** me?!!

(_Quinn pauses to consider._)

**QUINN:** Uh... yes!

(_Jake's overcome, misty-eyed._)

**JAKE:** Aw gee, sweetie... (_reaches toward Quinn_)

(_Quinn pulls away._)

**QUINN:** Dad, **don't** touch the hair.

(_Jake pulls back quickly._)

**JAKE:** Oh of course, of course. But -- oh geez, I'm **so** happy, I just gotta do **something** to show you how --

(He reaches into his coat. Quinn smirks expectantly as he pulls out his wallet and looks inside.)

**JAKE:** **Here**, take my gold card for the day! (_holds it out to Quinn_)

(_Quinn reaches for it._)

**QUINN:** Thanks!!!

(Before she can get it, Jake grabs it back, puts it back in his wallet. Quinn watches, disappointed. Jake fiddles around in his wallet some more.)

**JAKE:** On second thought... (_takes another card, holds it out to Quinn. her eyes practically pop out._) here's my platinum! Buy that **magazine** subscription you wanted!(_Quinn takes the card, stares at it worshipfully._)

**QUINN:** **Thanks**, Daddy!!! (_to the card_) Ooh, I **love** you....

(_Jake wipes away an imaginary tear._)

**JAKE:** Aw gee, what a **great** way to start the morning! What a **great** day it's gonna be! (as he says this, the sound of heavy thudding down the stairs. looks off screen) Hey, Helen! (_sound of the front door slamming_)

(Jake and Quinn look at each other with stunned expressions. They then look toward the stairs. cut to close-up of stairs. Daria slowly walks down them, then stops. She looks at the front door with a wilted expression.)

**END OF ACT ONE**

[Daria and Quinn practice in front of the bathroom mirror.]

You are now entering commercial **HELL**. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

  * This isn't a **true** commercial, but it's the sponsor announcement they sometimes make at the beginning of breaks: "MTV's too cool for school teen Daria...." Whenever I hear that, I think: what the hell have they been **smoking**?? All Daria **does** is school -- without that, she'd just spend the days in her room watching "Sick Sad World." Moreover, what kind of message is that to send to young viewers... school's not **cool**, etc...?

* "Next Wednesday on the Ten Spot: Daria envisions her future life with Trent, but reality threatens to get in the way... (shots of Daria and Trent eyeing each other against a pink swirly backdrop, older version of themselves talking with Jake and Helen) Catch it next week on an all-new 'Daria.'" [I put this second 'cause the dumb sponsor announcement usually comes first.]

* "Mommeeeeeeee, I want Focus Contact Lenses!" Like, why would she think her mother'd say **no** -- unless she had some valid medical reason?? And in that case, she probably shouldn't even **get** the Focus Contact Lenses. The logic of this commercial always escapes me... especially the logic that has them show it during "Through a Lens Darkly," in which Daria ultimately **rejects** contact lenses...

You are now leaving commercial **HELL**. Aren't you happy you survived?

## 

THAT THING YOU SAY

* * *

**ACT TWO**

SCENE 1 (_Lawndale High, later that morning_)

(Shot of Daria and Jane at their lockers. Daria's slumped against hers, telling Jane what happened earlier. Jane's fiddling around in her locker.)

DARIA: ...I just don't get it -- after **that** didn't work, I offered to say it to her in Portuguese and Swahili.

**JANE:** How 'bout English? What would've been wrong with that? (_shuts locker_)

(_Daria cocks an eyelid._)

**DARIA:** Do **you** tell your mother you love her?

(_Jane shrugs._)

**JANE:** Nope. (_Bt_) Although maybe I **would** if she'd stay in town long enough.

(Daria can barely force a chuckle. She looks down. Jane watches her with some concern. Daria looks at her, her face about as upset as **she** could get without bursting into tears and crying.)

**DARIA:** (_quiet_) She told me I was **cold**, Jane.

**JANE:** Aw, Daria, I'm sure she didn't mean it. I'll bet she was just in a **really** bad mood before you came in, and she took it out on you, that's all.

**DARIA:** Maybe... (doesn't believe that, but is groping for anything that'll make her feel better. doesn't work. sighs) Or maybe she's **right**.

**JANE:** Daria, don't do this to yourself.

**DARIA:** (_exasperated tone, angry at herself_) Well why **not**?? God, Jane, if I can't even **say** the damn words --!

(She's been staring morosely off screen as she's said this. She now sees something and frowns. We hear Quinn's muffled chatter off screen. Daria cocks an eyelid.)

**DARIA:** (_peevish_) Of course, **saying** them doesn't always mean you feel them. Sometimes people just **say** the words to see what they can **get** out of it.

(Quinn and the Fashion Club walk in front of, past Daria and Jane. pan the shot to follow as they walk. Quinn's holding out the platinum credit card for all to see. She and the other F.C.'s gaze at it greedily.)

**QUINN:** (_chipper_) And so it, like, turns **out** that if you say "I love you" to them they get all **gushy** and fall all over themselves to give you things!

**F.C:** Oooooh...

**SANDI:** (_can't conceal her admiration_) **Great** discovery, Quinn.

**STACY:** I'll have to try it on **my** parents.

**QUINN:** (_instructional_) But not too much -- otherwise they'll get **used** to it and the trick won't work anymore.

**F.C:** Okay...

(_Tiffany glances behind her and looks at Quinn._)

**TIFFANY:** **Quinn**, how come your cousin, or whatever, is still at this school? (_Bt_) I thought her **mom** was supposed to take her away.

**QUINN:** (_nonchalant_) Oh, well, she would have, but the police tracked her down 'cause it turned out she, like, **broke** parole. Now she's in solitary. (She's still ticked-off at Amy for telling Helen that she's been pretending Daria's her cousin.)

(_Sandi tosses her hair and smirks._)

**SANDI:** (_haughty_) **Good**. There was just **something** I didn't **like** about her. (**She's** still ticked-off at Amy for mocking her at the Pizza King.)

**STACY:** So what're you gonna **do** with the card, Quinn?

**QUINN:** (_"duh" tone_) **Use** it, naturally. Cashman's has a new line of ribbed tops and my wardrobe could **stand** an updating from last week.

(_Sandi stops abruptly, causing the other F.C.'s to do so as well._)

**SANDI:** **Cashman's**?? (_voice takes on authoritative mentor-mentee tone_) Quinn, **platinum** credit cards do not **happen** every day. You need to figure out how to take **advantage** of the situation.

**QUINN:** (_thoughtful_) Hmm... you're **right**. (_Bt_) What d' you suggest I do, Sandi?

**SANDI:** (_obviously waiting for this moment_) **I** say this calls for a trip (_dramatic pause_) to the Mall of the **Millennium**.

**F.C:** Oh! **Cool**!!!

**QUINN:** But would we have **time**? It's an awful long way, and if we left after school --

(_Sandi puts up a hand. Quinn stops._)

**SANDI:** Why wait 'til **after** school? We could just **leave** right now -- (_pause. goading_) unless you plan to go all **nerd** on us, Quinn, and not want to cut class like **last** time. [*] she's referring to Quinn's hesitation in "Rose-Colored Lenses"

(Quinn chuckles nervously -- she **is** hesitant. Finally she sighs in an amused "okay, okay" manner.)

**QUINN:** I wouldn't do **that**, Sandi -- no **way**. (_Bt_) Platinum **does** require a **holiday** from school... (_eyes the credit card, smirks mischievously_)

**SANDI:** With your **friends**.

(_They **all** eye the card greedily._)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 2 (_Helen's office_)

(Close-up shot of Helen rapping a pen against her desk. cut to wider shot. Helen sits in her chair, wearing a pensive, distracted expression. Her eyes trail over to the phone. Pause. cut to close-up shot of the phone. resume wide shot. Helen stops rapping the pen, makes a sudden movement toward the phone like she's going to pick it up. Then, just as suddenly, she stops. She sinks back in her chair, her face taking on a depressed expression. cut to a wider shot of the office. Marianne sits in the foreground, typing away, while Helen's in the background.)

**HELEN:** (_her usual crooning tone_) Marianne? Could I speak to you for a minute, please?

(Marianne stops typing. Her face takes on a wary expression -- "What does she want, **now**???" She turns around and looks at Helen.)

**MARIANNE:** Um, sure, Helen. (_scoots chair up to the other side of the desk, across from her_) What do you... need?

(_Helen assumes a serious demeanor._)

**HELEN:** Dear, let's talk one-on-one for a moment, shall we? Like old friends?

**MARIANNE:** (_nodding_) Um... all right. (expression flickers across her face -- "Who's she trying to kid???")

**HELEN:** Now, you're a mother, right?

**MARIANNE:** (_nodding_) Um, yes. (_Bt_) I've told you... many times...

**HELEN:** (_not picking up on the bitter undertone_) And you have a daughter?

**MARIANNE:** (_nodding_) Yes.

**HELEN:** Do you and she get **along**? Does she say "I **love** you" and act glad to **see** you?? Does she tell you her problems without you having to **drag** them out of her???

(Marianne blinks a few times, startled by all the questions. starts to answer: )

**MARIANNE:** Um, I g--

**HELEN:** (_rushing on_) Because sometimes I just don't know what to **do** with Daria. It's like she and I are in two **separate** universes, and hers has a great big black **hole** in the middle that's sucking all the **life** out of it.

**MARIANNE:** Gee, it sounds --

**HELEN:** (_rushing on_) I mean who'd've **thought** that a child of **mine** could be so **cold** and heartless and **conceited** --

(Marianne regards her with a deadpan expression, as if to say, "A child of **yours**?? What a surprise.")

**HELEN:** (_rushing on_) And to **think** of **all** I've done for her -- all the meetings I had to postpone so I could attend one of her little recitals, all the evenings I've tried to plan --

(Marianne closes her eyes and shakes her head. Helen doesn't notice -- she's off in her own world.)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 3 (_Lawndale High cafeteria, around noon_)

(Shot of Jane and Daria walking to their usual table, carrying their usual lunch. Daria's still slumped over and looking depressed.)

**JANE:** (_trying to lighten her mood_) C'mon, I would've thought that at least Mr. DeMartino telling Kevin a fatal virus was chewing up his brain would've cheered you up.

**DARIA:** **Maybe** -- if yesterday he hadn't told him that if you lit a torch in his mouth, you'd see smoke coming out of his ears. The novelty wears off pretty fast.

(_They sit down. Jane lays down her backpack on the seat and opens it._)

**JANE:** Well then here, maybe **this'll** do the trick. (_takes out a sheet of paper_) Trent's having me design a cover for Mystik Spiral's first album.

**DARIA:** (_surprised_) So they've come up with a few more decent songs than "**Ice** Box Woman"?

**JANE:** No, but..... (shrugs. then holds up the drawing in such a way that we can't see what it looks like) How does **this** strike you?

(_Daria looks at it and frowns._)

**DARIA:** **What** is it??

(_Jane sighs, as if the answer's obvious._)

**JANE:** It's a mystic **spiral**!

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Ooh. (_Pause_) Well, I gotta hand it to you, Jane: you've managed to capture perfectly something I didn't even know **existed**.

**JANE:** I knew you'd go for it. (Daria regards her with an impassive expression. Jane rolls her eyes. grumble) Aw, hell. (_crumples up the paper_)

(_Daria smirks a "nice try." Jane shrugs. from off screen: _)

**JODIE:** Hey you guys!

(_Daria and Jane look up at her._)

**DARIA & JANE:** Hey, Jodie.

(_Jodie stands over their table._)

**JODIE:** Daria, I just wanted to tell you I thought your poetry reading in O'Neill's class was really... um, interesting.

(_Daria shrugs impassively._)

**DARIA:** Yeah, well, it wasn't quite how I wanted. I had to tone it down from what it was originally.

**JODIE:** Oh. I see. (her expression: "**That** was toned down???" then notices Daria isn't her usual self) Hey, what's wrong?

(_Daria sighs._)

**JANE:** (_speaking before Daria can reply_) Daria had a fight with her mom and now she's in the hotseat because she can't figure out how to tell her mom she loves her.

**DARIA:** (_glaring, sarcastic_) Gee **thanks**, Jane. You know I could've told Jodie this myself, (_thought voice-over_) if I'd felt like it was her **business**.

**JANE:** (_philosophical_) Hey, look, **I'm** not doing anything for you and you can't go on being depressed like this. Maybe Jodie can help.

(_Jodie slides in next to Jane._)

**JODIE:** Sure. What d' you need?

(_Daria pauses, debating whether to tell Jodie the details. finally gives in._)

**DARIA:** Who knows? -- maybe a blowtorch to thaw me out. (sees Jane roll her eyes in an "oh **come** on" manner. looks at Jodie. continues, resigned) **Or** some advice. (_Bt_) How do **you** tell your mom... you know...?

(_Jodie pauses to think._)

**JODIE:** Hmm, I'm not really sure. I just sort of... say it.

(_Daria cocks an eyelid._)

**DARIA:** Oh really? (_Bt_) And I suppose you say it **often**?

(_Jodie shrugs._)

**JODIE:** Well yeah, I guess.

(_Daria's expression: "Gee, what a surprise."_)

**JODIE:** Why? You don't?

(Daria shakes her head, looking gloomy. Jodie glances at Jane with an "I see what you mean" expression.)

**JODIE:** (_reassuring_) Well, hey, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Different families show their love in different ways.

**JANE:** And not saying "I love you" doesn't make you the ice queen.

(_Daria looks a little less gloomy after these remarks, but still frustrated._)

**DARIA:** Yeah, well maybe I'd believe that more if my mom didn't have me feeling like I **owe** it to her to put on a big display.

**JANE:** Hmm, yeah Helen's got some **interesting** ideas about parent-child bonding. I'll agree that she can be pretty tough to please. (_Bt. to Jodie_) Hey, have you met Daria's mom?

(_Jodie rolls her eyes in an amused manner._)

**JODIE:** Oh **yeah**. (_Bt_) **My** mom calls her "the raving lunatic." (_momentarily forgot Daria, now looks at her, still amused and apologetic_) Oops, sorry -- I shouldn't've said that.

(_Pause. Daria wears an impassive expression._)

**DARIA:** No. (_Bt_) She's right.

**JANE & JODIE:** (_stunned_) Huh???

**DARIA:** You're **both** right. I mean, let's face it -- my mom's not exactly an **easy** person to love. (_Bt_) Hell, maybe I'd've told her what she wanted a long time ago if she'd've put down her **cell** phone long enough to **listen**.

**JODIE:** (_sympathetic murmur_) Hmmm...

**DARIA:** (_continuing_) **Or** if her idea of bonding wasn't to take ten minutes between meetings to drive us to the dentist.

**JANE:** (_troubled by Daria's vehemence. pacifying_) Aw come on now, Daria, your mom's done some pretty cool stuff for you.

**DARIA:** (_not placated_) Yeah, maybe **sometimes** -- but more often it's all about what I can do for **her**, how I should be what she **wants** me to be. And I am sick of it.

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 4 (_Helen's office_)

(Close-up shot of Marianne's face. She looks as though she'd **really** like to be someplace else right now.)

**HELEN:** (_off screen_) ... And would you **believe** I spent **thirty-six** hours in labor with her -- thirty-six hours!!

(cut to wide shot. Helen's ranting away -- has been nonstop since that morning.)

**HELEN:** And when she wouldn't come out, they had to **go** in after her!! So you see, even **then**, she was -- oh-oh! (_remembers something_) Did I mention that she never **once** gave me a birthday gift I could **use**?!

**MARIANNE:** (_weary_) Yes, you did. (_Bt_) Twice.

**HELEN:** (_surprised_) Oh. (_pauses to consider_) Well... then I guess I can't think of anything else to tell you. (_glances at the clock_) Oh **my**! Look at the time. (_raises an eyebrow at Marianne_) Hadn't you better be getting back to work, dear? (_says it like it was Marianne's idea to have this conversation_)

(_Marianne nods wearily._)

**MARIANNE:** Yes, of course. (_quickly leaves for her desk_)

**HELEN:** All right, then.

(She sighs, prepares to get down to business, then glances over at the phone. She gazes at it for a few seconds, then looks toward Marianne.)

**HELEN:** (_friendly crooning_) Say, Marianne, do you have any sisters...?

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 5 (_Mall of the Millennium, later that afternoon_)

(Shot of the Fashion Club walking through the mall. Quinn's dragging behind, pulling a cart which contains a mountain of clothing bags.)

**STACY:** What time is it?

**QUINN:** (_a bit flat_) Getting late...

**STACY:** I sure hope the limo driver's not mad at us for making him wait so long.

**QUINN:** (_can't hide her sarcasm_) Why **should** he be? (_mutters_) He's getting **paid** by the **hour**.

**SANDI:** Quinn, have we told you what a great **friend** you are for agreeing to **pay** for the limo ride?

**STACY & TIFFANY:** Yeah! You're the **best**, Quinn!

**QUINN:** (_peevish_) Yeah-yeah-yeah, I know. (_obviously this isn't the first time they've said that. Bt_) But, um, shouldn't we be heading **back** to the limo, now?

**SANDI:** In a minute. (_wicked smirk_) There's just **something** I need to **buy**.....

(fade-out. fade-in to the counter of a clothing store. Sandi and Quinn stand beside it -- Sandi with a huge stack of clothes. cut to shot of the clerk. She holds Sandi's gold card and shakes her head.)

**CLERK:** I'm sorry. It's maxed out.

**SANDI:** (_faux surprise_) **Bummer**. (_turns to Quinn_) And I was **so** looking forward to **wearing** Gustape's new spring line. If only.... (_looks suggestively at Quinn's purse_)

(Quinn rolls her eyes. Being no dummy [even if she acts like one], Quinn **strongly** suspects that her friends have been taking the advice she gave earlier to heart. But because she's made a big deal about having the platinum, she can't afford to act stingy. She sighs, pulls out the credit card, and hands it to the clerk.)

**QUINN:** (_resigned_) **Here**, take this. (_clerk takes it_)

(_Sandi eyes Quinn with wicked satisfaction._)

(fade-out. fade-in to shot of Sandi and Quinn leaving the store. Stacy runs up to them, looks at Quinn.)

**STACY:** (_thrilled_) Quinn! I just saw a banner that said on Level 8 Plaid, there's a special on smiley-faced T-shirts! Isn't that **great**?! We could be **twins**!!

**QUINN:** (_can barely show any enthusiasm_) Oh, um, yeah.

**STACY:** (_penitent_) Of course, the only problem's that I'm kind of maxed out. (_looks down_)

**QUINN:** (_sarcastic_) Of **course**. (_Bt_) Listen, um, why don't you go on ahead? (_gestures at her cart_) I'll catch up with you later.

**STACY:** Great! (_Bt_) You're **such** a good friend, Quinn.

**QUINN:** Yeah, yeah -- now **shoo**.

(Stacy nodded excitedly and dashes off. pan over to Tiffany, coming out of Goldsmith's Jewelers. She wears a mischievous smirk.)

**TIFFANY:** (_calling out_) Oh, **Quinn**!

(Quinn goes over to her. Sandi, too busy admiring her new purchases, stays behind.)

**QUINN:** Yeah?

**TIFFANY:** (_lowers her voice_) Quinn, have I ever told you that I think you'd make a really great **president**?

(Pause. Quinn looks at her, incredulous. Then her face takes on a calculating expression.)

**QUINN:** (_faux nonchalance_) Oh really, Tiffany? You think?

**TIFFANY:** (_nodding_) Mmm-hmm.

(_Pause. Quinn gets a wicked smirk on her face._)

**QUINN:** Gee, that's really nice of you to say. (_pretends to start new conversation_) And you know, Tiffany, that **reminds** me: we're **really** good friends, aren't we?

(_Tiffany smirks_)

**TIFFANY:** Mmm-hmm.

**QUINN:** And good **friends** get each other things -- **don't** they?

(_Tiffany smirks harder._)

**TIFFANY:** Mmm-hmm.

**QUINN:** Why don't **I** get something for you, and (_gives Tiffany a suggestive look_) maybe **you** can give something to me -- down the road, I mean. Sound fair?

(_Tiffany nods._)

**TIFFANY:** Definitely. (_Bt. glances back into the store, points_) In fact, there's this necklace I saw that looked really **cute**, but.... (_holds up her gold card, shakes her head_)

(Quinn glances in the direction where Tiffany's pointing -- from her POV, everything's kind of blurry. cut to close-up of the display with the necklace Tiffany was referring to. A sign overhead reads "$500." resume shot of Quinn and Tiffany. Quinn can't read the sign, but too late -- she's already pulling out the platinum. Wears a cheerful, wicked expression.)

**QUINN:** Don't worry -- consider it **my** treat.

(_She and Tiffany exchange conspiratorial smirks._)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 6 (_going home, late afternoon_)

(Music plays. shot of Daria walking down a residential street, still looking gloomy. She walks past chalk marks on the sidewalk that read "Happy B-Day Mom." Stops. Looks at them, frowns with guilt. Keeps walking. Soon after, she passes a flier on a telephone pole. It reads, "24 Hour Gift and Love Store: buy that special gift to let 'em know you care." Daria looks at it, frowns as if considering, then: )

**DARIA:** (_disgust_) What a load of crap. (_frowns defiantly_)

(cut to shot of Helen in her office, getting her things together, looking about ready to leave. She wears a pensive expression, moves slowly.)

(_music ends. fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 7 (_Morgendorffer house, evening_)

(Shot of outside. cut to shot of the Morgendorffers at dinner. Jake and Quinn look cheerful, Helen and Daria **don't**. Every so often, they eye each other coldly, but are otherwise civil. Jake is in the process of wrapping up an enthusiastic monologue about his day at work.)

JAKE: ... And to top it off, he says to me, "Jake m' man, I **love** your style." He loves my style!!! Wow! I never thought I'd hear **any** of my clients mention that! (_to family_) Did you?!!

**HELEN:** (_can't dredge up any enthusiasm_) No, dear.

**DARIA:** Many things, but outfit coordination wasn't one of them.

(Helen eyes her with silent irritation. Daria gives her the same look. They're just waiting for the right moment to set each other off.)

**JAKE:** Well anyway, that does it for **my** day. How was yours? (_looks at Quinn with a special "Daddy's little girl" smile_) Especially **yours**, sweetie?

**QUINN:** (_nonchalant_) Oh it was fine. Just another average day. (_continues eating_)

(Pause. Daria looks at Quinn, frowns. brief close-up Quinn's face -- she's wearing silver studs in her ears.)

**DARIA:** (_sarcastic_) **Nice** earrings.

(Quinn continues to eat with an air of nonchalance. Helen looks at her earrings, also frowns.)

**HELEN:** (_suspicious_) Yes, they **are** nice. **Very** nice.

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) Well, well, she's actually **responding** to something I've said.

**HELEN:** Quinn, where did you get those?

**QUINN:** Oh, I bought them.

**JAKE:** (_enthused. cheerful_) Yeah, I gave her my **platinum** for the day.

(_Pause. Helen cocks a brow._)

**HELEN:** **Did** you? (_an edge in her voice_) And **why**, might I ask?

(Quinn says nothing, glances at Jake. Jake looks as though he senses no harm in what he did.)

**JAKE:** (_sentimental_) **Helen**, when a little girl tells ya she **loves** you, you just can't say **no** to her!

(_Helen's brow is still cocked with irritation._)

**HELEN:** (_sarcastic_) You **can't**??

(Jake now tugs at his collar, looking a bit nervous. Meanwhile, Daria's smirking in spite of herself -- "whoops, Dad and Quinn are in the doghouse.")

**JAKE:** Well I --

(_Quinn turns to Jake._)

**QUINN:** Oh, that reminds me, Daddy: when I give you back your platinum, you may not want to use it right away. Not 'til, you know, a few payments have been made.

(_Jake forgets about Helen momentarily, stares at Quinn with disbelief._)

**JAKE:** (_slowly_) You mean to tell me... (_explodes_) you **maxed** out my **platinum**??!!!

(Quinn tries to keep things under control. holds up her hands in a "calm down" gesture.)

**QUINN:** **Maxed** out? (_chuckles nervously_) **Dad**, that's such a **harsh** word --

**HELEN:** (_fuming_) **Funny**, it seems **appropriate** for the situation, wouldn't you say??? (casts a look at Jake that says, "I **knew** you couldn't handle this sort of thing on your **own**." Jake slumps over, looking penitent.) **Quinn**, all the money you spent's coming out of your glasses fund and **then** some!

**QUINN:** **Hgh**. (_Bt. protesting. peevish tone_) But half the stuff I bought's not even **mine**!!

**JAKE & HELEN:** **What**??!

(_Quinn cowers a little._)

**QUINN:** Nothing, nothing...

(_angry Pause. Daria smirks at Quinn, cocks an eyelid._)

**DARIA:** (_to Quinn_) If I were you, I'd practice saying "I love you" in front of the mirror a few more times.

(_Helen forgets Quinn, turns to Daria, bristling._)

**HELEN:** (_to Jake and Quinn_) Oh **well**! **Look** who finally **said** the words!

**DARIA:** (_frowning. defensive_) Hey, I said it in an abstract context, completely **detached** from myself.

**HELEN:** (_bristling_) I guess that's the only way you **can** say it!

**DARIA:** (_glaring at her_) **Shut** up!

**HELEN:** Don't you tell **me** to shut up, young lady --!

**DARIA:** (_at the same time_) Hey, I'll tell you any **damn** time I want to --!

(Meanwhile, Jake and Quinn are exchanging bewildered looks. Then Quinn carefully takes off her earrings in order to divert attention from them. Unfortunately for her, Helen happens to glance in her direction for a split second and catch what she's doing.)

**HELEN:** (_bristling_) Quinn, don't you even **try** to weasel your way out of **this** one!

(_Quinn slumps over, clutching the earrings._)

**QUINN:** (_pleading_) But Mooo-- (sees Helen's glare, remembers last night. tries desperately to limit it to one syllable) **Mom**, can't we work something **out**??

**HELEN:** **No** Quinn, not after what you did! (_to Jake_) And as for **you**, it serves you **right**. What were you **thinking**, rewarding Quinn with the platinum just for saying she **loves** you??!

**DARIA:** (_to Helen. sarcastic_) Oh, like that's so different from what **you're** doing.

(_Helen turns to Daria._)

**HELEN:** And just **what** do you mean by that?!

**DARIA:** I **mean** -- Quinn gave something tangible to Dad, so Dad returned the favor. You're making **me** give something tangible to you, even though it goes against my nature, or else you'll --

**HELEN:** (_exasperated_) Now come **on**! You know you can't compare what **I** ask of you to what **they** did!

(_Daria cocks an eyelid._)

**DARIA:** Oh can't I, now? (_Bt_) Funny, you seem to be as much into **giving** away gifts for good behavior as Dad.

(Helen appears to be geared-up to protest, but Daria rushes on before she can.)

**DARIA:** (_continuing_) What about paying Quinn to wear her glasses?? What about all the times you **bribed** us to do something for you??

(_Helen is scowling, her teeth clenched, waiting for Daria to finish speaking._)

**DARIA:** (_continuing_) And all because you don't know any **better** way to get through to us. Talking takes too much time, so you'd rather just take the **easy** way out.

(_Meanwhile, Jake and Quinn are cringing and glancing at each other uneasily._)

**DARIA:** (_continuing_) And for that, I'm supposed to fall all over myself and declare my love? Well **forget** it.

(shot of the four Morgendorffers sitting at the table, surrounded by a tense silence. Daria and Helen glare at each other like two wolves ready to attack. Finally Helen breaks the silence: )

**HELEN:** (_quiet. cold_) I don't have to **listen** to this.

(_Daria backs out her chair, stands up._)

**DARIA:** **Fine**. (_shoves the chair into the table hard_) Then I'll just go to my room. **I** want to be the one to slam the door **this** time around. (_she leaves_)

(Helen watches her go with stony silence. long Pause. Quinn glances at her parents, sees that Jake is stunned and that Helen is focused on Daria. Slowly, very quietly, she backs out her chair. Slowly, very quietly, she stands up. Is about ready to slip away, when suddenly Jake and Helen jerk their heads in her direction.)

**JAKE & HELEN:** Sit **down**!!!!!

(Quinn cowers a little, then sinks into her chair. Pause. sound of door slamming off screen. Quinn slumps forward.)

**END OF ACT TWO**

[Quinn and the Fashion Club walk through the Mall of the Millennium.]

You are now entering commercial **HELL**. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

  * The AT&T commercial that features David Arquette acting like a goofball, chanting C-A-L-L A-T-T, C-A-L-L A-T-T... Right, like that's **really** gonna make me want to get their long-distance service...

* "Phantom Menace" **anything**, be it restaurant tie-ins, toy commercials, you name it. That movie's just come out, and already I feel like it's overstayed its welcome....

* Bioré nose strips for blackheads (_i.e: you put a strip on your nose, rip it off, and blackheads all gone_). As Quinn would say: Ewwwwwwww!!!

You are now leaving commercial **HELL**. Aren't you happy you survived?

## 

THAT THING YOU SAY

* * *

**ACT THREE**

SCENE 1 (_going to school/work the next morning_)

(Shot of the morning sky. ominous-sounding music starts playing. cut to shot of rolling sidewalk. pan upward to reveal a frontal shot of Daria walking. She's bent forward and scowling, her fists are clenched. She looks like she's ready to mow people over.)

(cut to frontal shot of the hood of Helen's SUV. pan upward to show Helen tensed-up at the wheel, looking like she's ready to do the same thing.)

(cut to a diagonal shot of a street without a crosswalk. Like Quinn in "Rose-Colored Lenses," Daria walks across the street, oblivious. Two cars come at her from opposite directions -- she jerks out her hands in a "stop" motion. The cars screech to a halt. She walks on.)

(cut to frontal close-up Helen. She jerks the steering wheel hard to the left. cut to wide shot. The SUV careens across three freeway lanes **without** signaling. sounds of honking from other cars.)

(cut to close-up of a newspaper lying on the sidewalk, near a walkway. A man is reaching down to pick it up. Daria comes along and kicks it away before he can. The man gazes at her, stunned. Daria walks on.)

(cut to side close-up of Helen's front bumper tailgating another car. sounds of honking. cut to side close-up Helen, doing her best Jake imitation. She's yelling and pumping her fist at the other cars.)

**HELEN:** You don't **like** that, do you?!! **Oh** well, **poor** baby! If you can't play with the **big** boys, get out of the **game**!!!

(cut to close-up of the flier for the "24 Hour Gift and Love Store" on the telephone pole. Daria yanks it off, tears it up, flings the pieces to the ground, and walks on.)

(cut to shot of Helen's SUV approaching an intersection with a red light. She ignores the light and barrels through, narrowly missing two cars coming from other directions. sounds of **loud** honking.)

(_cut to shot of Jane coming down the sidewalk of her house. sees Daria._)

**JANE:** Hey, Darrrrr-- (_head turns slowly as she watches Daria walk past, oblivious_) --iiiiiiia?

(cut to wide shot of Helen's SUV hurtling into a parking space, in such a way that she takes up **two** spaces. She stops the car. gets out. slams the door. walks away, doesn't look back.)

(_music ends. abrupt sound of a bell ringing ushers in the next scene: _)

SCENE 2 (_O'Neill's class_)

(Close-up shot of a pencil lying on the ground, near one of Daria's boots. cut to a wider shot of Brittany crawling over to pick it up. As she does so, she feels an unkind presence hovering overhead. looks up. cut to Brittany's POV -- Daria is gazing down at her with a menacing glare. resume wider shot. Brittany freaks out, drops the pencil.)

**BRITTANY:** **Eap**!! (_runs to Kevin's desk, huddles against him_) Kevvy, I'm **scared**!

**KEVIN:** Don't worry, babe: **I'll** protect you. (_looks at Daria. shudders_) **Ugh**.

(cut to shot of Jane and Jodie standing by the doorway, watching all this take place.)

**JODIE:** (_hushed_) Oh boy.

**JANE:** (_hushed_) Yeah, you said it.

(cut to frontal shot of Daria at her desk. She sits rigidly upright, her hands clamped together. She stares straight ahead, glaring like a predator. Jane slides into her desk next to Daria's. leans toward her.)

**JANE:** (_pacifying_) Daria? It's **me**, your friend Jane. Remember? Your **friend**??

**DARIA:** Mmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... (_"I have **no** friends."_)

(_Jane backs off._)

**JANE:** O-kay. (_Bt_) I'll just leave you alone for a while. Maybe your anger'll get pushed aside by some good ol' fashioned **boredom**.

(As she says this, we see a silhouette of Mr. O'Neill pass into the foreground. cut to frontal shot of O'Neill standing before the class.)

**O'NEILL:** Class? I'm afraid we have to bid farewell to our segment on poetry from life in order to **vault** into the illustrious world of Elizabethan England. We're doing **Shakespeare**!

(cut to shot of the class. **No** response. Daria looks as angry as ever. resume shot of O'Neill, oblivious.)

**O'NEILL:** We'll start our journey with the Bard by looking at one of his most famous plays -- King **Lear**! (_Bt_) The story of a dutiful daughter who risks **everything** for her beloved parent. O what courage! (_wipes away an imaginary tear_)

(cut to shot of the class. Still no response. Then Daria, in the foreground, slowly raises her hand.)

**DARIA:** Um, **excuse** me?

**O'NEILL:** Yes, Daria?

**DARIA:** This **sounds** familiar. Haven't we gone over this before? [*] see "Ill"

**O'NEILL:** (_reflective_) Hmm, I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

**DARIA:** (_an edge in her voice_) What's to understand? We already **did** the damn play.

(_O'Neill looks at her, startled. Daria scowls._)

**DARIA:** (_irritated_) Only it was from the angle of King Lear -- arrogant, proud, vain, thuggish **jerk** who couldn't handle his daughter thinking differently from him, so he banished her and paved the way for her eventual, untimely death.

(_Pause_)

**O'NEILL:** (_flustered_) My, my, Daria... you certainly, um, have a good memory.

**DARIA:** Yeah, well that makes **one** of us. (_Bt_) Of course, maybe if Lear's daughter hadn't been such a big **idiot** and left France to help her dad, she wouldn't've died. What courage.

(long Pause. O'Neill can't speak -- he can only gaze at Daria with the same stunned expression. Meanwhile, the other students sit there, silent and a little fearful. Jane claps a hand to her forehead. Finally O'Neill gets his act together: )

**O'NEILL:** Well, I, uh... (_gives up. pleading_) Aw please, could you just **humor** me a little?? The school's budget got cut thirty percent this year and we have to reuse **all** our old materials!

(Daria's eyes narrow into thin slits, and her lips press together in one line, thus giving her response.)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 3 (_hallway after class_)

(Shot of Daria and Jane walking out of the classroom. Daria is still glowering.)

**JANE:** So, have you gotten it all out of your system??

**DARIA:** **No**. (_Pause. sighs. slightly mollified tone_) Geez, you know I never thought my mom could **get** to me this way.

**JANE:** (_sympathetic_) Yeah. Guess you're not a self-contained unit after all, huh?

(Daria shakes her head. They walk past Quinn and the Fashion Club without noticing them, exit off screen right. Meanwhile, Quinn is about to appeal to the hearts and minds of her "friends." She wears a beseeching expression.)

**QUINN:** Um, guys, so... how're you liking your things?

(Stacy's wearing a smiley-faced T-shirt similar to Quinn's. Tiffany wears the necklace.)

**STACY & TIFFANY:** Oh, we love 'em!/ They're great!/ Thanks so much!

**SANDI:** **Quinn**, you really came **through** for us yesterday.

**STACY & TIFFANY:** **Yeah**!

(_Pause. Quinn looks mildly uncomfortable and resigned._)

**QUINN:** Um, well, that's **great**. I'm really glad I could help 'n' all, but there are... **problems**.

**F.C:** Oh?

**QUINN:** Yeah, um, my parents kind of **hit** the **roof** last night when they learned that I'd maxed out my dad's platinum. (_Bt_) So, I was thinking, as **friends** --

(_The F.C.'s look at her with impassive expressions._)

**QUINN:** -- maybe you could sorta **help** me out by returning the stuff I bought for you??? (_gazes at them pleadingly_)

(Pause. Sandi and Tiffany remain impassive, while Stacy's eyes widen in a way that suggests she's about to start hyperventilating. Finally Sandi speaks: )

**SANDI:** (_faux apologetic_) Gee, **Quinn**, I would love to help you **out**, but I, um, spilled **soda** all over my new clothes. So I can't return them.

**QUINN:** (_a bit skeptical_) You couldn't **wash** it out??

**SANDI:** Oh, it's the kind that doesn't **wash** out.

**QUINN:** Oh. (_Pause. peevish. skeptical_) So **somehow** you managed to spill soda on **all** your outfits??

**SANDI:** (_picking up on Quinn's tone. haughty_) Hey, **Quinn**, do I get on **your** case about how you spill **sunflower** seeds on the rug whenever you **eat** them?

**QUINN:** (_contrite_) No, Sandi.

**SANDI:** Then maybe you should **think** before you criticize the eating habits of **others**. I mean, why make me feel **bad** about myself?

**QUINN:** You're right, I'm sorry. (_turns to Stacy_) So, um, Stacy?

(_Stacy's mildly hyperventilating. Quinn ignores it._)

**QUINN:** (_continuing_) Y' know, it's **cool** you wanna **dress** like me 'n' all, but (_spreads her arms out_) I'm a one-of-a-kind original, and any form of imitation comes across as a cheap copy. So what d' we say --

**STACY:** (_trembling, hyperventilating. crushed_) So you don't **want** me to be like you, Quinn?? You don't want me around you at **all**??!

(_Quinn sighs, exasperated._)

**QUINN:** **No**, I didn't say you couldn't be around -- (_waves her hands_) **ugh** forget it!! Just keep the **freakin'** T-shirts, okay?!

(_Stacy nods. Quinn turns her attention to Tiffany._)

**QUINN:** Now, Tiffany, (_lowers her voice_) yours was the most **expensive** of all the stuff I bought....

(_Tiffany looks at Quinn innocently._)

**QUINN:** (_continuing_) And so, I was thinking, as a **friend**, you'd really be doing me a **huge** favor if you, um, **returned** it.

(Tiffany looks at Quinn with vague surprise. Quinn, remembering their deal, makes "Ix-nay" gestures.)

**QUINN:** (_hushed_) Not, of course, like I couldn't buy you **another** gift, a **less** expensive one....

**TIFFANY:** (_faux reluctance_) But Quinn, I thought **this** was a token of our friendship. It really means a lot to me. (_fingers the necklace_)

(_Quinn throws her hands in the air._)

**QUINN:** (_irritated_) And I **don't**?!

(_Tiffany shrugs with indifference._)

**QUINN:** I can't **believe** this!! My parents are gonna **kill** me! What's the point of having me as a friend if I'm **dead**??!

**SANDI:** (_smirking_) Well let's put it **this** way, Quinn: at least we'll have something to **remember** you by.

(Quinn glares at her, unleashes a huge groan of rage, and stomps away off screen. The F.C.'s watch her go. Stacy's stopped hyperventilating, looks contrite.)

**STACY:** Guys, maybe we **should** just return the stuff.

(_Sandi and Tiffany give her the evil eye._)

**SANDI:** Did someone **say** you could speak??

(_Stacy cowers a little._)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 4 (_Helen's office_)

(Shot of Helen sitting at her desk. She's not working, **again** -- highly unusual. She wears a stormy expression, and is rapping her pen against the desktop the way she was the day before. As she does so, she glances at family photos at the edge of her desk. cut-to close-up of the photos: they're the ones we've seen in "Daria!" We now see Helen's hand reach into the shot and, with the pen, swat Daria's photo face-down. resume wide shot. Helen returns to beating the pen against her desk, but then, after several seconds, stops. Looks at the photo with a contrite expression. cut to close-up of photos. Helen reaches over and slowly puts Daria's up in the correct position. resume wide shot. She looks at the photo, then sinks back in her chair and stares into space. Pause. We now see Marianne rush on screen. Helen does, too. Her face brightens.)

**HELEN:** (_normal cheery tone_) Oh, Marianne??

(_Marianne rushes past her._)

**MARIANNE:** Can't talk now, Helen -- work, work, work! (_disappears off screen_)

(_Helen sinks down lower in her chair and sighs._)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 5 (_bathroom at Lawndale High, around noon_)

(Outside shot of the school. cut to inside shot of the bathroom. Daria and Jane stand in front of the mirror. Jane's showing Daria another illustration, holding it in such a way that, again, we can't see what's on it.)

**JANE:** So, do you think flesh-eating skeletons scream **Mystik Spiral**?

(_Pause. Daria looks at the illustration, frowning with thought._)

**DARIA:** Well, considering the band has no **other** image worth mentioning, I guess death and cannibalism is a start.

**JANE:** I'll put it on the "maybe" pile. (_tucks it into her backpack_)

(_Pause. Daria looks into the mirror, changes the subject._)

**DARIA:** Hey, Jane?

**JANE:** Yeah?

**DARIA:** (_slowly. reflective_) You know, my rant in O'Neill's class got me thinking. (_Bt_) I wouldn't be so bent-out-of shape about my mom if I didn't feel... (_blushes, looks down_)

**JANE:** (_sensing what she's going to say. gentle coaxing_) Yeah?

**DARIA:** Well, if I didn't feel, um, like she does do... stuff for me.

**JANE:** (_faux nonchalance_) You don't say.

**DARIA:** (_nodding_) Yeah. (_Bt_) Like all those times she's given me advice about being more open-minded, like with the contact lenses or that story I had to write last year.

**JANE:** You're referring to that annoying, intrusive advice you usually hate?

(_Daria lets out a chuckle and rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** Yeah, that advice I usually hate. (_Pause. reflective_) Although now that I think about it, maybe it's really not so bad. (_Bt_) I guess having my mom be mad at me's brought home the fact that... (_looks down again_) I sort of **do** care about her opinions.

**JANE:** (_comprehending murmur_) Hmm...

**DARIA:** (_continuing_) And I don't know... I'm starting to think that maybe she does deserve to hear me tell her so. (Pause. looks like she's going to say something else, then sighs with frustration.)

**JANE:** (_understanding the source of Daria's frustration. gentle_) So have you figured out **how**?

(_Daria shakes her head._)

**DARIA:** No. All I know is that I can't say that **thing** my mom wants me to say.

**JANE:** (_supportive_) Well let's see, then, if we can't find some **other** way for you to express yourself.

(_Daria nods emphatically._)

**DARIA:** Yeah. **My** way.

(She and Jane both concentrate, their faces taking on slight frowns. long Pause. Then Jane's face brightens with an idea.)

**JANE:** Hey, what about making one of those photo collages -- the kind that have hidden messages in them like "peace" and "Paul McCartney is gay."

(_Daria cocks a bemused eyelid._)

**DARIA:** Nice idea, but a photo collage isn't **me**. (_Pause_) I'd probably be better off if I **wrote** something for her.

**JANE:** Yeah, now **there** you go -- you could give her one of your classic stories. Or better yet, a poem. A **nice** one, though, not like the kind you read in class....

(_Suddenly, Daria's face takes on a look of realization._)

**DARIA:** Hey, that's **it**. (_Bt. glances at Jane's backpack, turns to her slowly_) Jane, would **Trent** be at home right now?

(_Jane utters a short laugh._)

**JANE:** Probably -- where **else** would he be. (_Bt_) Why?

(_Daria smirks._)

**DARIA:** I'm just starting to feel very **sick**, that's all. I think Trent might have a cure for me **and** my problem.

(_Pause. Jane suddenly gets it. smirks conspiratorially at Daria._)

**JANE:** If I were you, I'd fake cramps instead. They'll let you out of here, no questions asked.

**DARIA:** Consider it done.

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 6 (_Daria getting out of school/ going to the Lanes'_)

(Music plays. shot of the hallway and the door to the nurse's office. Daria walks up to the door normally, then suddenly grabs her groin and staggers into the office. fade-out.)

(fade-in to wide outside shot of the Lanes' house. Daria's walking down the sidewalk, turning up the walkway.)

(_music continues to play as we cut to: _)

SCENE 7 (_Helen's office, late afternoon_)

(Shot of Helen as she was earlier -- sitting at her desk and staring into space. music ends with the abrupt ring of the telephone. Helen sits up straight, makes a jerking noise like she's going to lunge for it. Then she relaxes, as though she knows it's not going to be who she **wants** it to be. After a few rings, she calmly picks it up.)

**HELEN:** (_neutral tone_) Hello?

(Pause. Then we hear a male voice on the other end which we'd probably **recognize**.)

**GUY:** Uh, hi, is this Helen Morgendorffer?

(Helen frowns slightly, a bit suspicious -- it could be a potential client, but it sounds like another telemarketer.)

**HELEN:** **Yes**, and **who** may I ask is calling??

(_brief Pause_)

**GUY:** Look, you've probably never heard of me, but I'm Joel Silverman, your sister Amy's... friend.

(_Helen looks startled. She can't speak for a few seconds. then: _)

**HELEN:** Why yes I **have** heard of you -- she mentioned you while she was here. (_voice takes on a note of alarm_) What -- is something **wrong** with Amy???

(cut to shot of Joel, sitting in what looks like another office chair, his feet up on a desk, legs crossed.)

**JOEL:** No, no -- she hasn't dropped dead or anything. No sudden illnesses, either. (_Bt_) But... she's not exactly all **right**.

(_cut to shot of Helen, looking curious and somewhat disturbed._)

**HELEN:** What do you mean??

(_split screen diagonal, Helen on the left, Joel on the right._)

**JOEL:** I mean she's been really **down** since she came back from visiting you -- hasn't been herself at all.

**HELEN:** (_stunned and disquieted at the thought of her sister being "down"_) She hasn't??

**JOEL:** Nope. (_Bt_) And because that's the case, I've been dying to know: just what exactly went **on** that weekend??

**HELEN:** (_tries to sum it up_) I, well, I.... (_voice suddenly takes on a suspicious tone_) **Why**, what has **she** told you?? Because **let** me say that there are **two** sides to every story, and **I** think she was way, way, **way** more at fault than I was!

(_Pause_)

**JOEL:** She hasn't told me **anything**. (_Bt. a bit flat_) She doesn't **talk** about stuff like this. That's why I'm calling you.

(_Pause. Helen looks chastened._)

**HELEN:** Oh. (_Pause. tries again to sum up what happened_) Well, then... let me see... I, well it **started** when... (_gives up. sighs_) I'm sorry, Joel -- I can't go into it. It's just too **complicated**.

**JOEL:** (_subtle disappointment_) Hmm, I see discretion runs in the family.

**HELEN:** (_sympathetic murmur_) Hmm-hmm. (_Bt_) Um, so does Amy know you're calling me now? How did you **find** this number?

**JOEL:** No, she doesn't know I'm calling. And I'd kinda rather she **not** know, if that's all right. I don't want her to find out I sneaked through her address book to look you up.

(_Helen's expression appears touched as he says this._)

**JOEL:** (_continuing_) I know, I know, I shouldn't've done it, but I was worried about her.

**HELEN:** (_reflective murmur_) Hmmmm... (_Pause_) Well, I must say, Joel, she's **very** lucky to have you to look out for her like that.

**JOEL:** Thanks. (_utters a short laugh_) I just wish I could've been more help.

(_Pause_)

**HELEN:** (_sober_) Actually, you **have** been a lot of help -- more than you realize. (_Bt_) And trust me, Joel: this will **all** get cleared up before long.

**JOEL:** I can only hope. (_Bt_) Anyway, it was nice talking to you, Helen. Glad Amy remembered to mention me.

**HELEN:** (_somewhat absently_) **Yes**, it was nice talking to you, too. (_Pause_) Goodbye.

(cut to full screen of Helen. She hangs up the phone, a thoughtful look on her face.)

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 8 (_going home, evening_)

(Contemplative music plays. shot of the Lanes' house from the outside. cut to inside shot of downstairs hallway. Trent's walking Daria to the door. Daria's about to cross the threshold, when suddenly she stops and turns to look at Trent.)

**DARIA:** (_serious_) Now I'm counting on you to remember this stuff, so do you have it down?

**TRENT:** Hey, don't worry, it's cool. I got it **all** right up here. (_taps his head_)

(Pause. Daria cocks an eyelid. She then reaches into her jacket and pulls out a piece of paper.)

**DARIA:** Well, um, just in case, here's **this**. (_hands him the paper_)

(_Trent takes it and examines it with interest._)

**TRENT:** Oh yeah -- so **that's** how the first line goes.

(_Daria shakes her head, walks out the front door. fade-out._)

(fade-in to a frontal close-up of Helen driving the SUV. She's wearing the same thoughtful expression she was wearing earlier, after her conversation with Joel. cut to wide shot of the SUV approaching the Morgendorffers' house. fade-out.)

(fade-in the frontal close-up of Daria walking down the sidewalk, on her way home. She also seems to be deep in thought, frowning slightly. cut to wide shot of the Morgendorffer house. We see that the SUV has already arrived and is parked in the driveway. Daria turns up the walkway and heads for the front door.)

(_music ends. cut to: _)

SCENE 9 (_Morgendorffer house_)

(Shot of the door as seen from the inside. Daria opens and closes it, then wipes her forehead in an exhausted manner. She lifts her sleeve to glance at her watch.)

**DARIA:** (_to herself_) 'Kay, he should be here pretty soon. (_Bt_) I **sure** hope this works.

(She walks up the stairs. cut to shot of the top of the stairs and the hallway. Daria reaches the top, starts to walk down the hall. She's still lost in thought, not paying attention to her surroundings. Suddenly she bumps into Helen, coming from the opposite direction, similarly preoccupied. They both go "oomph!" and step back to look at each other, wearing startled, awkward expressions.)

**DARIA:** Oh... I... um...

**HELEN:** (_at the same time_) I-well, I...

(They both see that the other's demeanor has noticeably softened since last night. Finally Helen put her hand up in a signal for Daria to stop talking.)

**HELEN:** (_serious_) **Daria**, let me speak to you for a moment, will you? I have a lot I need to get off my chest.

(_Daria nods._)

**DARIA:** Okay.

(Helen twists her hands together, lets her eyes drift around. Wears an uncomfortable expression.)

**HELEN:** I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about my attitude these past few days, and...

(_Daria watches her with a neutral expression._)

**HELEN:** (_continuing, deeply contrite_) I realize that I've been rather unfair to you. I've been expecting you to make some **grandiose** statement about how much you love me, when in fact that's not your way and never has been.

(_Daria's face takes on a look of surprise._)

**HELEN:** (_continuing_) **Your** way has always been to express yourself through the subtle approach, and I guess, in **all** my hurt feelings, I forgot that that... could be just as good. (_Pause. looks at Daria_) So, even if you don't accept my apology, I just wanted to say... I'm sorry.

(Pause. Daria wears the same surprised expression and can't speak for a few seconds. Then the surprise fades from her face and she smirks a little.)

**DARIA:** It's okay -- I guess I can't blame you for **doubting** me. Sometimes I could stand to be a little more obvious. (_Pause_) Like last night (_looks down, blushes_) when I said that stuff at dinner....

(_Helen watches her with a receptive expression._)

**DARIA:** (_continuing_) It wasn't the **whole** truth, believe me. (_Bt_) And what's more, it was kind of mean and I should kind of, um, apologize.

(She glances Helen, looking contrite. Pause. Then Helen smiles faintly and gives a conciliatory nod. Daria smirks faintly with relief.)

**DARIA:** (_continuing. frank_) Look, Mom, the truth is that I don't **know** why I can't say the stuff you want me to say. Maybe it's just some phase I'm going through that I'll outgrow, who knows? (_Bt_) But even though I can't say the words right now, I do... (_looks down, blushes again_) **think** them, sometimes.

(_Pause_)

**HELEN:** (_warmly_) I know you do, honey. I believe you.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_surprised_) You do?? (_Pause_) Um, that's great.

(_Pause. She and Helen look at each other._)

**DARIA:** I guess this pretty much nullifies the song, then.

**HELEN:** Song??

(sound of doorbell ringing off screen. Helen looks questioningly at Daria. Daria nods her head in a "follow me" manner. They go downstairs.)

(cut to shot of the front door. Quinn dashes over to it, followed by Jake. She opens the door, and we see Trent standing there, holding a guitar case.)

**JAKE:** Hey! It's m' man, Trent!

**TRENT:** Hi, Mr. Morgendorffer. Hi (_looks at Quinn, can't remember her name_) you.

**QUINN:** What're **you** doing here?? (scrunches her nose as she says this, as if it's beyond her why an **uncute** guy would come to her house)

**TRENT:** Oh, well I --

**DARIA:** (_off screen_) Here, let **me** explain.

(pan to shot of her and Helen coming from the stairs. Daria walks over to Trent and stands next to him. He greets her with a crooked smile.)

**TRENT:** Hey, Daria.

**DARIA:** (_calmly_) Hey, Trent. (having spent hours with him, she no longer shows any lingering signs of shyness)

**TRENT:** So where d' you want me to set up?

**DARIA:** How 'bout just over there? (_points to the living room_)

(Trent saunters inside, heads toward the living room. Helen eyes Daria with extreme curiosity.)

**HELEN:** Daria, what **is** this??

**DARIA:** You'll see. Just sit down, and I'll tell you everything.

(cut to shot of the couches. Helen and Jake go sit down on the center couch, while Quinn slides onto the left hand one, next to them. Trent is already parked on the coffee table, opening his guitar case. Daria comes over and stands next to him, looks out at her family.)

**DARIA:** Okay, let me just say that this afternoon, I got it in my head that a **certain** member of this family (_brief close-up Helen, wearing a "Who me?" expression_) deserved a show of appreciation for all that she's done for me. So I went over to Trent's place and we put together a song.

**TRENT:** Yeah, it's pretty damn good if I do say so, myself. (_chuckles, coughs_)

(_Daria smirks at him, flattered. Turns again to look at family._)

**DARIA:** So now he's come over to play it for all of you. (_Bt. backs away, toward the stairs_) Meanwhile, I'll just be up in my room. You can tell me how you liked the song after it's over -- if you choose to do so. (_starts to leave_)

**JAKE & HELEN:** (_amused protests_) Oh **come** on, Daria/ Stay here 'n' listen with us.

(_Daria stops and rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Must I? (_Bt_) Being the center of attention goes against my nature.

**HELEN:** (_amused. firm_) Well you can put **aside** your nature for a **few** minutes, can't you??

(_Daria sighs, smirks_)

**DARIA:** Hell, why not?

(_She goes and sits down on the couch next to Quinn._)

(cut to close-up Trent. He takes out his guitar, strums a few chords. Clears his throat, coughs.)

**TRENT:** Now the name of this song is... (_frowns. looks at Daria_) what's it called again?

DARIA: "Through Rhyme." (_vague alarm creeping in_) Are you sure you can do this??

**TRENT:** (_picking up on her fear. "calm down"_) Yeah, yeah, it's cool. I got it. (_clears his throat again_) "Through Rhyme" -- nice.

(He strums a few more practice chords, then launches into a haunting melody. As he plays and sings the song, we see various shots of him -- a wide shot, a close-up of his face, a close-up of his hand strumming the guitar, a back shot, et cetera.)

I know it's pretty easy,   
To assume I'm not aware.   
You feel you've tried to please me,   
And believe I just don't care.

Well I don't know how to say it,   
But I've known it all the time.   
So instead I'll have to play it,   
And share my thoughts through rhyme.

(_strums a few repeat chords, then: _)

There's no point in me lying,   
There's a feeling that's inside.   
It's one I've tried denying,   
But I've found it will not hide.

And this feeling, I can't fight it,   
'Cause it's growing every day.   
So I guess I'll have to write it,   
And let it show some way.

And what this feeling means,   
I can't foresee.   
It's a feeling that I can't describe.   
One thing that I'll say is   
It's changed me in some way,   
And has caused me to see   
How you've grown on me.

(At this point, pan over the four Morgendorffers listening to the song. Jake and Helen are enraptured. Quinn is also focused on Trent, and wears a blank expression. Daria sits as far away from her family as possible, trying to look as uninterested as possible.)

Well now that it's all open,   
There's nothing left to do,   
Except maybe some hoping that   
It's the start of something new.

And that maybe somehow one day,   
When we feel the time is right,   
We'll express our thoughts a new way,   
And bring our selves to light.

(_hushed_)

Well I can't go any longer.   
I'm afraid I can't pretend.   
The rest we'll have to wait and see,   
So this song has reached an end.

And I don't know how to say it,   
But I thank you for your time.   
So instead I'll have to play it,   
And share my thoughts through rhyme.

Well I don't know how to say it --   
So instead I'll have to play it --

There's a feeling, I can't fight it --   
So I guess I'll have to write it --

Well I don't know how to say it,   
Though perhaps some day I will.   
But for now I'll have to play it,   
And show I'm with you, still.....

(Trent hits a final, decisive note and bows his head. He then glances up a little to see the reactions. Looks at Daria.)

**TRENT:** That okay?

(Before responding, Daria turns to see her parents' reactions. Helen and Jake look as though they've been desperately trying to hold back tears -- and now, suddenly, they burst. They grab each other and start sobbing.)

**TRENT:** (_cocking a bewildered eyebrow at them_) Whoa. (_Bt. to Daria_) Is this the response you wanted?

(_Daria looks at her parents, also bewildered._)

**DARIA:** I'm not sure. (_shrugs_) But I guess it's close enough.

(Quinn, who's also been watching Helen and Jake, now turns to Daria, glowering.)

**QUINN:** (_irritated_) **Dammit**, Daria, could you make me look any **worse** in front of Mom and Dad?!

(Daria smirks at her. Quinn sinks into a pouty pose. Trent looks at Daria with a vaguely admiring expression.)

**TRENT:** You know, you're a pretty good song writer. Mystik Spiral could use someone like you.

**DARIA:** (_cocking an eyelid_) An interesting suggestion. (_thought voice-over_) And if underwater basket-weaving and professional wrestling don't pan out, I might consider it.

(_Helen now breaks away from Jake and leans toward Trent, wiping her eyes._)

**HELEN:** Young man, **thank** you for coming over and playing that for us. (_eyes Daria_) It was beautiful.

(_Daria rolls her eyes and blushes._)

**TRENT:** Hey, no problem. Maybe you could spread the word to your friends about Mystik Spiral. We do parties, even for folks **your** age. (_lays guitar back in its case, closes it_) Although we're thinking about changing our name.

(Trent gets off the coffee table, guitar case in hand, and starts walking toward the door. As he's doing so, Quinn's face suddenly brightens.)

**QUINN:** Hey, I was just thinking: maybe **I** should write a song!

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) What a **great** idea. I suggest you get started.

(_Quinn looks pointedly at Trent._)

**QUINN:** (_sing-songy_) Oh, Tre-ent...

(Trent gazes at her blankly. Daria smirks at him with sympathy, then turns to glance at her parents. She catches Helen looking at her. For a few seconds, she returns the gaze. Then she glances away, blushing.)

**DARIA:** (_muttering thought voice-over_) Damn, I knew I should've just gotten her something from the 24 Hour Gift and Love Store.

(_But she can't really complain -- all is right with the world once again._)

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 10 (_Morgendorffer house, late evening_)

(Close-up shot of the telephone in the kitchen. Helen approaches it hesitantly, then stops. looks at it. does a few Zen breathing exercises. Then she grabs the phone and punches a few buttons, including autodial, before she can change her mind. Puts the phone against her ear.)

**HELEN:** (_muttering. to an invisible person_) All right, you owe me **big** for this one.

(cut to close-up shot of Amy's phone. It starts ringing. We see Amy reaching for it -- she's been reading and lying in pretty much the same pose as she was in "Through a Lens Darkly." She eyes the phone hesitantly for a couple of seconds, then clicks it on and puts it against her ear.)

**AMY:** Hello?

(_cut to split screen diagonal, Amy on the right, Helen on the left._)

**HELEN:** (_serious_) Amy?

(_Pause. Amy's face takes on a sober, yet not entirely surprised, expression._)

**AMY:** Helen. (_Bt_) Hi.

**HELEN:** Listen, Amy, I think we need to talk about what went on last weekend.

(_Pause. Amy nods slowly._)

**AMY:** Yeah, I think we do, too. (_Bt_) Um, Helen, (_looks down_) I've been wanting to call you, but I, I-um...

(_Helen nods._)

**HELEN:** I understand -- I was, too.

(_Both let out a slight chuckle, which eases the tension a little._)

**HELEN:** Look, last weekend we **both** said things to each other that we didn't mean.

(**long** Pause. Amy cocks an eyebrow. Finally Helen sighs with amusement and exasperation.)

**HELEN:** All right, all right, we meant **everything** we said to each other. (_Bt_) But that doesn't mean we can't work **past** it, does it??

(_Amy smirks faintly._)

**AMY:** No, it doesn't.

(_Pause. Neither one can figure out what to say next._)

**HELEN:** Well **good**. All right, then...

**AMY:** Yeah, good...

(_Pause_)

**HELEN:** So, um...

(_Pause. Than Amy chuckles and reveals a full-on smirk._)

**AMY:** Helen, we're **really** gonna have to work on our communication skills.

(_Helen smiles._)

**HELEN:** Yeah.

**** THE END [roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

**Phew**! I have to say that of my three fanfics, this one was definitely the hardest to write. It was a pretty draining experience; every time I read over the scene where Helen accuses Daria of not loving her, I squirmed a little.

And as you no doubt saw, there are **way** fewer ha-ha moments in this fic than there were in "The Tie That Chokes" or even "Rose-Colored Lenses." Originally, I had planned to use the Quinn subplot solely as a vehicle for comic relief, but then I came up with the idea of her getting "just desserts" for manipulating her dad's affection. (Poor Jake: one thing that almost gets lost in this episode is that he's really starving for love, too.) I probably could have made slightly better use of the Mall of the Millennium backdrop, but oh well...

The most difficult scenes to write were in Act III. I rewrote the scenes with Daria and Jane in the bathroom and the final discussion between Daria and Helen about a million times; my aim was to make their "changes of heart" seem convincing, rather than rushed. Don't know if I entirely succeeded, but I think I came close enough.

But without a doubt, the hardest thing to write was the SONG! For several days, I was racking my brains trying to think of how to approach it. I didn't want it to be schlocky, and I didn't want it be just a repeat of what had already been discussed (_I wrote it after I'd written the whole episode_); also, it had to come from the mind of a cynical, closed-in seventeen year-old. A hard task, but once I figured out what the song would be about, it didn't take me too long to write it (and too bad you can't **read** melodies over the Internet, because with the melody it sounds better.) My feeling is that Daria wouldn't write this kind of song at **this** point in the series, but later, after she and Helen had done a bit more "bonding." Ever since "Arts 'N' Crass," I've seen a relationship slowly developing between them...

In fact, I view this episode as my homage to the "bookend" episodes of Season Two -- "Arts 'N' Crass" and "Write Where It Hurts." Here, as there, Daria starts off by making something Helen hates, then by the end makes something she loves.

Some might wonder if I didn't exaggerate Daria's and Quinn's extreme difficulty with saying "I love you" to their parents. I don't know. I think Daria would be as unable to say "it" on a real episode as here, although Quinn might say it easily in a superficial kind of way. I just wanted to pinpoint how dysfunctional our beloved family was beneath the surface, as well as **on** the surface.

Now on to some **points of interest**...

**Helen and Amy:** Ain'tcha glad they made up?? If the song hadn't already been used in "Quinn the Brain," I would've loved to have made Monaco's "What Do You Want From Me?" the song for the closing credits. I picture, after Helen speaks for the last time, a triumphant: "Sha-la-laaaaa-la-la-la-la, sha-la-laaaaa-la-la-la-la, sha-la-laaaaaaaa...!"

Originally, I had planned to draw out the freeze in Helen and Amy's relationship for a few more episodes, but in the midst of writing "The Tie That Chokes," I thought: "Nah." I didn't want Amy to become too much of a downer character. But let me hasten to add that even though they've made up, not all will be peachy between them. I plan to address this further down the road....

**Amy and Joel:** It may be a bit more obvious now than it was in "The Tie That Chokes," but Amy puts distance between herself and everyone else, including her longtime boyfriend. I plan to address this, too, down the road...

**Quinn and her glasses:** If you're already tired of Quinn's dodge with the glasses, don't worry -- it **will** get resolved before long. It's not gonna be like the Fashion Club power struggle, which just goes on and on and on and on and ON with no resolution in sight...

**Helen's SUV rampage at the beginning of Act III:** If you suspected it was based on my own antipathy toward SUV's, you were right. Scary thing is, based on what I've experienced, my portrayal wasn't even exaggerated...

That's it for points of interest... now on to the **games**!!

In my last fanfic, I asked how many **smirks** there were, and who smirked the **third-most**. Robert Loudner brought it to my attention that of all the characters in TTTC, **Helen** was the one who smirked the third-most. That bowled me over, since, as I pointed out to him, she was easily the most miserable character in that episode.

Anyway, here's his breakdown:

Amy = 25 smirks (_happy gal!_) Daria = 12 smirks Helen = 4 smirks Quinn = 3 smirks Linda = 2 smirks (_one a smirk within_) Sandi = 1 smirk Jane = 1 smirk

That comes to 47 total (48 if you count the smirk within... although if that's the case, maybe the smirk count should be 60, since we know Jane would be infinitely smirking). And yes, Robert, that **does** make for a happy town. :-)

Oh, and I should point out that I run an open door policy when it comes to these games: if, like, 20 people play them and e-mail me their answers, I'll list their names in my next fic, even if they aren't right! But you have to do it **before** the next fic comes out, and I'm trying to make them about 3 weeks apart...

**Now the new game:** This one's both easier and **harder**. You don't have to go through the laborious process of counting, but you **do** need to have read all three of my fanfics. My questions -- Which of the following three lines occurs in all **three** of my episodes (_note: no line appears more than once per episode_)?? **Who** says them, and in what **scenes**??

a) What's that supposed to mean? b) What d' you think? (_that wasn't a pun, by the way_) c) Mmmrrrrrrr...

**On to acknowledgments:** Thanks, once again, to Outpost Daria for being my encyclopedia. The episode transcripts were really helpful for stuff like the King Lear scene. And thanks to John Berry -- Jane's "block" in "My Quinn's Delayed Reaction" inspired my fanfic scenario in which she has difficulty creating a cover for Mystik Spiral's first album.

And finally, -- taking a page from C.E. Forman, I'm also in the process of forming a mailing list. If anyone wants to be on it, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu

Whew... it's over, it's **finally** over! Just kidding......... thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright May 1999. All rights reserved. 


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